Self-love and the traps

In this article, I aim to summarize some slightly misleading statements about self-love. Self-love is currently a pervasive trend; wherever you go, the concept is ubiquitous. While everyone acknowledges the importance of taking care of oneself and addressing personal issues, there are several 'traps' associated with self-love. Let's take a look at some traps when self-love has not been explored deeply:

1. Self-love is not self-care:

Self-love can be expressed through positive external forms and changes. Many people pay attention to health issues, look for ways to relax, shop, and take care of themselves more. This is a basic expression and the first easy step when practicing self-love. That is self-care—taking care of yourself physically and mentally. When first approaching self-love, it is easy to mistake self-care for self-love. For instance, imagine raising a dog. You can buy it tons of delicious food, put on nice clothes, and take it to the spa to get its fur trimmed because you care about it, partly because you love it. This is not wrong. However, if it becomes melancholy, sad, doesn't eat or drink, and collapses due to illness, you would be in a hurry to find out the cause. Then you start rewinding to see where the problem is—why, after taking care of it so much, it's still not okay? Eventually, you realize that no matter how long you ignore it, not talking to it, thinking it's noisy and ignoring it doesn't matter; you just have to play first. The story may vary, but the result is the same—it's because you haven't really understood it for a long time. Understanding and compassion for yourself are the premises of self-love. They help you accurately identify your problems beyond their flashy and beautiful cover, accept and listen to yourself more, and create motivation for yourself to heal.

Therefore, a beautiful and wealthy person can still lack self-love. This lack can even lead to a lack of self-esteem. So, no matter how many brands you cover yourself with or how many men provide for you, it's not enough. Your value is placed in the hands of the outside world, making you always seek recognition, affirmation through money and power, and confirmation through appearance. Additionally, the trend of promoting self-love isn't about ignoring or forgetting others. Just caring about yourself and not needing anyone else is a sign of a serious lack of self-love. When we are full of ourselves, we become rich in love, allowing us to be compassionate to others. Carelessness sometimes comes with deep, unresolved inner guilt. When we are full, we are not afraid to face rejection because the true source of love and core value lies inside, not outside. Therefore, while self-care is a part of self-love, self-love is not simply self-care.

self-love is not simply self-care

2. Self-love and the law of reflection:

Self-love reflects in external relationships. The law of attraction is popular nowadays; everyone knows that like attracts like. Actively observe what this truly means, especially in your love life. If you keep attracting the same type of person or going through relationships that give you the same feelings of abandonment, insecurity, loneliness, depression, anger, and sadness, this pattern is an indicator for you to look inside yourself. Understand what inside you still attracts these experiences. If you consistently encounter toxic people and relationships, it indicates many unresolved fears and buried traumas inside you, which have been dug deep and buried for decades. It is this subconscious fear and feeling of inadequacy that lead to current experiences. For example, people afraid of being judged often judge others. The more they judge, the more they attract being judged. Those who often attract love affairs may have a fear of intimacy, feeling unworthy or not good enough. It's easier to choose such love affairs to confirm that fear is correct, etc.

3. Self-love is not just praising yourself all the time:

When you love your children and pets, you are willing to comfort them when they are sad and forgive them when they make mistakes. However, this rarely happens when we ourselves are hurt. We tend to blame and torment ourselves. The good news is that when you learn about self-love, this self-torture stops. However, another trap when first approaching self-love is that we exaggerate our self-esteem, trying to pretend that we are always fine. So, when we are hurt, we fall into a situation of 'trying' to encourage and praise ourselves, suppressing negative emotions as soon as possible to continue wearing the cover of being okay. We do not dare to admit that a person who loves himself can be hurt and suffer, cannot accept being 'not okay.' We build barriers for ourselves and imprison those emotions. The truth is that, to achieve unconditional self-love, hurts and pain need to be observed, acknowledged, healed, and transformed. We have the ability to embrace both joy and sadness, and take responsibility for our own emotions.

4. Self-love vs narcissism (Self-love and narcissism):

While self-love may sound like it can easily lead to narcissism—people who only care about themselves—these two concepts have different natures. A narcissist is someone who lacks self-love. Some basic differences between self-love and narcissism include:

- Recognition: People who love themselves do not need constant recognition. They have high self-esteem, are self-aware of their mistakes, efforts, and successes without having to show it off to the world. On the contrary, narcissists, when achieving certain milestones without praise or recognition, cannot consider it a success. They see victory as empty and unsatisfying without admiring glances.

- Self-awareness: Narcissists are aware of their flaws, accept them, and work to improve them. They understand that imperfections do not harm others, making them more unique. Meanwhile, narcissists always think they are perfect and do not easily accept feedback.

- Self-acceptance and satisfaction: People who love themselves easily accept and comfortably live as themselves, often finding happiness in the smallest things. In contrast, narcissists are often dissatisfied with reality, fantasizing about a more ideal lifestyle, job, or appearance. They never truly feel satisfied with any aspect of their lives, thinking they deserve better but making no effort to achieve their desires.

- Humility: People who love themselves are often empathetic and humble. They support and encourage others to do better, taking pride in their successes. Narcissists cannot tolerate seeing others do well, feeling jealous and finding ways to sabotage others' success to maintain a sense of superiority.

- Caring for others: Narcissists may feign concern but truly do not care about others' struggles. They think that the fewer people doing well in the world, the better it makes them feel about themselves.

- Competition: People who love themselves with high self-esteem are likely to see others as equals, each trying to achieve their happiness. Narcissists are always competitive, needing to do better than others or create the illusion that they are. They thrive on domination and manipulation, needing all their efforts to be honored and for themselves and everyone to be worshipped. Typically, narcissists gravitate toward careers and interests that put them in the center of attention.

In conclusion, a deeper understanding of self-love is crucial for personal growth and fulfilling relationships. By dispelling misconceptions and recognizing the intricate nature of self-love, individuals can cultivate a more genuine and sustainable sense of well-being. I hope this article has provided someone with a deeper insight into self-love and encourages continued learning and practicing of this love. It reflects your worldview through everything you live and experience.